Journey of Faith

I have been dreaming about writing this story ever since it happened. Last year on my birthday I knew I was pregnant, but something was wrong. I was bleeding too much and had only a small amount of hope that the baby would survive. The problem was I had to wait 2 weeks to see a doctor since I had just moved to Georgia. If you want to read the whole story...you can. ((Refer to Ectopic Pregnancy)) It was the most traumatic experience of my life. A baby that I wanted so badly put me in the hospital with what could have been life threatening. I'm so glad I went to see the doctor and knew something was wrong with my body. I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and I was bleeding internally. I lost my right tube and was devastated about it. Not only did I lose a baby, but part of myself. It was so much at one time that I couldn't process it all.

I was so grateful after I shared my story to so many who reached out to me. Who told me their stories and filled me with hope. Who sent me books, and letters and care packages. These things seem so small, but meant so much to me. One of Craig's Aunt's even told me the same thing happened to her and she went on to have more kids. This was something I held onto. I knew God would show me the way and would help me through this journey.

After I came home from the hospital bruised and beaten up physically and emotionally it was all about getting better. I wanted to get stronger fast for my little guy who was running around crazy. I wanted to get back to my life and try to forget what had happened. It wasn't until a couple months later that I was back out and about with Micah, but I was emotionally hurting. My doctor wanted me to wait 6 months before trying again. And to any woman out there that wants a baby...you know how long 6 months seems. It was an eternity. They also wanted me to get on birth control, but I was not up for that. I had been on birth control most of my 20's and it always messed with my body. I thought that it would be best to get back to a normal cycle on my own. I was so frightened the first few months that I would get pregnant and lose another baby and worse lose another tube. I prayed and prayed to give me peace of mind.

In January I went to get an HSG test to make sure my tube was clear. HSG is a radiology procedure where dye is injected into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix. The uterine cavity fills with dye and if the fallopian tube is open, dye fills the tubes (or in my case tube) and spills into the abdominal cavity. I remember laying there praying everything looked good. And the doctor showed me right away that my tube was clear. I saw the dye spill over on the left side. This was such a relief to me. I finally felt normal again. Not wondering if I had something wrong with me or an infection that blocked my tubes. Nope. The ectopic just happens sometimes. Very rarely, but it happens.  This procedure costed a pretty penny, but it was worth it for my peace of mind. My doctors office called me to let me know the results and then asked if I wanted to schedule an appointment with the infertility clinic. I guess I wasn't ready for that question. I didn't realize I needed help. I knew it would be harder to get pregnant with one tube, but I didn't feel like diving into all that yet. I told her I would try for awhile before going to see a specialist.

I thought the hard part was over, but I was feeling like the pressure just started to build. I started calculating everything. I became consumed with trying to have another baby and fill the void in my life. I felt like the only way I could feel better was to get pregnant. So while we were trying... both my neighbors got pregnant just a few weeks apart. Most of my friends in Dallas were all pregnant and I felt like it wasn't in the cards for me. It was like everyone I knew was having an announcement...but me. I saw a post online that became my daily saying, "If you have faith in God, have faith in HIS timing."

For a while I started praying to God to help me be content with my life. Because if I wasn't content now...would I ever be? I had everything I ever wanted. A husband who loves me, a son who might be the cutest boy in the world (sorry I'm biased), an amazing house with great neighbors, friends who love me and sisters within driving distance!!! If you follow my blog I wrote about being content a lot. I think it may be one of the hardest things to do. We always want something or are looking forward to something. It's never,  "I'm happy to be here and in the now." I wanted that for my life. I started going to a bible study in Roswell and it was a great blessing. Everywhere I go I share my story. That's just me and how I roll. The women there also had a lot on their plate. One woman had recently lost her husband and had three boys under three. That night I cried all the way home. Praying for her and her sweet family. How could I be unhappy when she isn't? She was grieving but had so much hope in heaven and seeing her husband again. It really puts things in perspective.
One friend I met had recently had a miscarriage and was trying hard to have her second baby. We became close friends and talked about how hard it was on us with all the pressure of getting pregnant.

Then came the dagger out of nowhere. A few months after we had been trying my husband hit me with some harsh words. He came home and told me he didn't want any more kids. It was like he had thought it all through and made a clear decision. There was no talking him out of it. I felt like my heart had bursted out of my chest. The one thing I was longing for my husband no longer wanted. At first I was upset and told him I would still try and I didn't care....but I did care. I laid in bed and wept all night and couldn't understand why he didn't want to have more kids with me.

The next morning I woke up and prayed that I would understand my husband and try to grasp what he's feeling. I prayed about it and we didn't talk about "babies" for a little while. Instead of getting angry with him I tried to see where he was coming from. After a week or so God showed me why he was feeling this way. In my opinion, men have a hard time expressing their feelings. It's hard to understand them and as women sometimes we can jump at them without regard for how they are feeling. All this time I was so consumed with another baby I forgot to love my husband. To be happy with my life and it was affecting everyone. I knew Craig said that to me because he was scared it would never happen for us. He was afraid we would never have another child and he didn't want that. If he told himself and me that he was done having kids...maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad. I've read a lot of books on marriage and I have become more aware of the differences between men and women.  I knew the words coming out of his mouth weren't his. It was his emotions. He's not an emotional guy. I don't think I've ever seen him cry. His coping method is to joke about it...mine is too. This time he wasn't joking though. That's why it was so scary for me.
 His emotions took over and all this time I thought it was hard on me wanting another baby, but it had been hard on Craig too. 

This brings me to my next challenge. I had been so consumed with me...me and oh yes ME. I prayed all the time for ME and my situation and for our family. After this fight with my husband I realized that I needed to pray for others around me. I asked my friend about a daily prayer journal she had and I bought it as quick as I could on Amazon. This changed my perspective on life. I started praying for every single person I knew who was pregnant and their little unborn babies. I prayed for my friends who wanted babies (and some still do) and those who were struggling with their babies. I prayed for family and those who had surgeries and life had thrown them some hard situations. Everyday I was praying for someone else. It will be awesome to look back next year and see those I prayed for and where they are now.
It became a daily ritual for me. To text my friends and see what they were going through and how I could pray for them. I can't tell you how much this changed my life and the way I looked at everything. I was focused on others and it brought me such joy to love on them and pray for them. It even made me feel at peace and content with me, because I wasn't concerned with myself. 

Then came the month of March and what would have been my due date. I felt stronger than I had in recent months. It was a time of grieving, but also giving it up to God. Giving my baby a note to tell him/her how much I loved and will always love him. Reliving the pain and understanding God's plan for my life. 

I was so content that I stopped trying to have a baby. I stopped trying to fix what I had lost. I became obsessed with loving on the ones I had here. I was counting my blessings daily and grateful for what I had.
Then it happened.. around mid- April out of nowhere. God gave me what I had been wanting for quite awhile. This time I wasn't expecting it and was at a total loss for words.

The morning I found out I got up at 6 a.m. to walk with my neighbor like we usually do. I was a day late and even though we weren't trying I like to take a test to make sure I can keep having my glass of wine at night. It was so early and still dark out. I checked the test and .... nothing. I threw it away and wasn't surprised at all. That afternoon I was taking a shower while Micah napped and had a feeling I needed to take another one. I just wasn't feeling cramps or anything coming on and I was really confused. I took another test out of the shower and waited again. When I came back into the bathroom and saw a faint double line I really thought I had gone crazy. I stared at it and brought it close and far from my eyes to make sure I was seeing things correctly.  My heart swelled with joy. I ran into my room and fell to my knees. Thanking God. It couldn't have come at a better time. He knew I needed 10 months to recover and learn all about what's important. Even though I felt like it took too long, he knew what was best for me. I was overwhelmed with excitement, but obviously still nervous that everything would be Okay.

Craig and I were both hopeful, but understood reality that we could lose this baby too. We were cautious and supportive to one another. I can't tell you how many times I went to the doctor to check my blood the first few weeks. Everything looked good, but the real test was waiting to see the sac in my uterus. It was a small chance I would have another ectopic...but still a chance. Craig was able to make it to the appointment with Micah and as I was sitting there waiting flashbacks came to me when I was there almost a year ago and hoping the same thing.
This time was different thankfully, it was super early...about 5 weeks into it. The doctor saw a tiny...(and I mean tiny) little dot that was in my uterus. It was a good sign that the baby had implanted in the right spot, but I could tell she was concerned a bit.

2 weeks later I went back for another ultrasound and found out I was 7 weeks along and heard the heartbeat. My doctor said she was worried because she thought I was farther along and she didn't see as much as she wanted at the last appointment. Hearing the tiny little heartbeat at 7 weeks was music to my ears. An answered prayer. One that I am still praying for constantly.

Now at 13 weeks I am still praying for this sweet baby to grow and develop safely. We found out last week that we are having a GIRL and this couldn't be more perfect. I have been dreaming about my little girl for a long time and was SO surprised. I mean God is so good. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for this journey. One that I will never forget. I have learned so much about myself and others. About loving life and not worrying about the future. Giving God all my doubts and fears and stop placing it on others around me. Reading my ectopic story before writing this helped me to see how far I've come. At the end of my ectopic blog I wrote that I didn't understand why all that had happened to me ...but now I do.  I knew I would. I just didn't know how long it would take.

Another point I would like to make is that my husband is overjoyed as well to have a little girl in this family. He is so excited for another baby and I knew he would be. (He might be a little nervous for a girl too..heehee) She will have the best big brother to protect her and guide her. This little girl is loved so much right now and I can't wait to hold her. Coming this Christmas we will meet her...December 28th to be exact.

Thanking God for all your prayers and support.

If you have faith in God, have faith in HIS timing. It's hard to wait, but it's worth it.

Love you all.